There’s so much that can happen in a span of such a short amount of time – a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a year. In a minute, you can do some breathing exercises. In an hour, you can go jogging. In a week, you can get away from the ordinary. In a year, you can dream, explore yourself, and find the truth within yourself. Connecting with god, finding my true self, and focusing on myself are the top three things that I want to improve on in 2024. But throughout trying to improve on those things, I’ve found that the truth hurts, whether you like it or not. The truth about yourself or the truth about the people around you. The thing is, you can’t control the world around you, but you can control what you put out into the world and who or what you surround yourself with. Taking time for yourself, being able to allow mistakes, and just being free within yourself are three of the most important but hardest things that I truly need to improve upon. Reconnecting with faith, expressing yourself through your voice and actions, and putting yourself first. I’ve come in contact with the true calling, one with faith, love, and emotion, but I’ve also felt sadness, madness, and a loss of hope.
The way I look at it, it might not always depend on one person trying to be the best. It’s about the ones who mean the most to you, the things that have significance to you – the little things, not the materialistic, but the ones full of love and joy. Through the sacrifices and the hardships come the blessings of the ones who truly care. And while sometimes the truth hurts, the truth of who you are lies inside of you – not the image you see, but the one you create. It’s the people you pay attention to, even in the loss of love or hope. Your faith will always be there for you.
These past few months, even these last few weeks, have been an emotional roller coaster. I mean, it’s been a while since I’ve been full of gratitude and hope when I listen to a song, like the true warm fuzzy feeling which brings you back to your good memories. Instead of tears of sadness and anger, it’s tears of appreciation for the little things. The little sacrifices that parents make for their kids, those little memories of which have stayed with me for the longest time. The songs which mom used to wake me up to. The old sayings I was called, “my little goofball” or “my little ray of sunshine”. I miss those little moments because that’s like having a party at my age. The days of dancing on the counter – I barely knew what was going on because I was little. I didn’t expect to end up the way I am right now. I didn’t think about it much when I was little. I thought about rockstars and little childish things. But now that I do think about these things, I kind of like that I was that way when I was younger because I was a little ray of sunshine. I was a goofball. I’ve found gratitude in the pain of wishing I could relive those moments that I can never get back. Those little moments hurt so badly. I look back and it makes me cry even more.
The way that I feel is unexplainable. My chest aches, my nose is runny, and my head is pounding from the tears it produces. It’s a love that is said to be forever, a love that is with the one who gave birth to you. I rewatch the memories, the moments, and the words that were expressed. I thank god for everything he’s given me, but it still burns. It’s engraved in my brain. It’s a thought that hurts too much to even think about it. I know I’m loved, but it’s not like the way it used to be. Unfortunately, I can’t change that. I can’t relive what I had that now feels like it’s lost. The feelings of which lay in the person, the joy and hope and carefree feel of which lay in the memories – I know that is not what that person feels, but it’s the way I do and my dad does. I can’t control everything and I don’t want to. I thank god that I have a family who loves me, whether it’s major or not. But all I do is cope by doing the things I love and sharing my feelings with others. I mean, I saw it coming, but I don’t know if a certain action will happen. Sometimes coping isn’t always enough. Things can change people, the way it changed my not-so-best friend, the stress and the responsibility of which changed my mom, and the relationship with my father. I love certain songs so much because I miss those moments and that feeling with her, the freedom and the carefree and being a child of when I was little. The lost feeling of which I often feel. I crave someone now who can give me that – someone who is kind and sweet and all of those good things, including god. I found this person; he might not be as holy, but I can talk to him and he’ll listen. I can hang out with him and be happy. There are so many along this journey that we take; sometimes they are bad and sometimes good. Either way, it affects an outcome, a moment, a decision. So what do I do? I can’t live in this pain, nor can I handle certain things by myself. So I continue being faithful and doing my best and trying not to think about it all, despite it affecting my sleep, my eating habits, and the things around me. I can’t change certain things, but I can change the way I look at things. It’s easier said than done. I mean, you don’t just change your mindset on something that hurts like hell. Life is a roller coaster, and just like a roller coaster, it doesn’t last forever, so enjoy it while you can.
But why does change occur so quickly sometimes? For the past fourteen years, there’s always been something. I feel like I am being stabbed in the guts. I miss him because I can’t talk to him as often because now he has a relationship – one that I’m happy about, but jealous about at the same time. Don’t get me started on my family situations. Why is my life falling apart so quickly? I just want a break. I want everything to go back to normal, obviously with the good changes. I just want to feel free, not like my life is falling apart. My parents, my friends, my environment all cause my health issues, anxiety, inability to sleep, and headaches. Plus this affects me in school because I can’t stop thinking about it all, and it distracts me. I can’t do this anymore. I want to be free, carefree, and just go back to how it used to be.
