I don’t know where to start.
There’s so much going through my head that it’s unbelievable, but it’s good to feel emotions that are true and not formed from something that isn’t me. As a little kid, you’ll get yelled at for doing something you’re not supposed to do. If told repeatedly and you still don’t comply, well, you’ve now lost your access to something that you value. You gain it back by behaving better, rebuilding trust, and doing good deeds. For me, I’ve felt like once I make a mistake, or somehow disappoint someone, I’ve lost their trust, and they will no longer think of me as something of great value, thinking so low of me.
In some ways, I feel like my world is falling apart, with school, family, and just in general. I’ve pushed myself, I’ve cared, I’ve studied, I’ve put on a good act ever since I started having some sense in my head. So I asked myself, “Why should you turn back now from all the change you’ve created with your image? All that hard work?” To be honest, I’ve always been a sweetheart and softie by heart. I care for those who I don’t know because I see pain and hurt. I still care now and am somewhat still a little sweetheart, but I don’t shine as much light as I used to. There’s so much that has happened over the last three or four years that it’s been overwhelming and it’s changed me. You can ask the people who knew me before entering middle school, sometimes it’s as though I’ve felt like I lost my inner child. I’ve learned so much but made so many mistakes. I’ve gained so much but observed so little. I’ve achieved academically but tired myself out. When a problem strikes me, I try to understand and learn, but over time, done over and over again, it hurts.
It is a ball of emotions, something that you are supposed to overcome but can’t. It’s like a boomerang. It always tends to come back to you somehow. So I stopped caring to a certain extent. Now I express emotion through talking and writing, but also have the bad habit of taking it out on the environment around me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to do something rebellious. But I know what hurts me or others will affect the future. I try to turn against those I love, but then I stress at the thought of creating more worries for them than needed. Realistically, will I even get the results that I want?
